Baggage...

I have baggage about weight loss/dieting, this is something that people who know me already know...I was put on my first diet when I was about 9 years old and after that was on a succession of one diet after another for the next 15 years or so. I remember counting carbs way before it was popular - back the first time Atkins was popular...I went to Nutrisystem when I was in Jr High...I even went to this lady for awhile that I called the "witch doctor" who took me off all sugar and gave me vitamin B injections I was in 9th grade I think...then later in high school I met with a nutritional counselor who was also supposed to help me with my issues with my mom - yes, surprisingly, by then, I had issues with my mom! :) During one break from college, I went on Medifast and started running which was the first time I reached any sort of goal weight, but quickly gained it back when I returned to college and lost my running partner (who was my mom).

My whole life, every bit of food in my house was monitored. The cookies were hidden, candy was a rare treat - this led to me eating and hiding food. To make things even crazier, my brother was underweight, which I know in Jr. High was a big thing, so while I was drinking Slim-Fast, he was making 1,000 calorie high protein shakes. I was given bribes to lose weight...if you get down to your goal weight, we'll buy you a convertible VW Rabbit...my dream car at the time. I was told I would make $10 for every pound I lost. That would work for anyone, right? Not me...

The funny thing is, when I look back at pictures, I really wasn't fat. I was that kid who was a little bit chubbier than her friends, but not fat. I wasn't athletic at all, I naturally gravitated towards crafts and non-active hobbies. I honestly don't know what I would have done if I were my parents, I know I wouldn't repeat the same mistakes, but hind-sight and all...

My mom and I have worked out our issues, although if she knew anything about this blog, I wouldn't be writing this...but they were issues about things like unconditional love, acceptance and approval - which are still hard for me to understand and this baggage effects not only my dieting but my marriage and other relationships.

I started thinking about all of this again because my mother in law came over yesterday and my husband had told her that I had lost 5 lbs and she was so excited and overly joyful, in my opinion and I had such a weird reaction to it. I got this feeling of rebellion, I needed also to downplay it as much as possible and make it into no big deal. Part of it is because she's just a different personality than I am, I prefer not to make a big deal of things, but the other part is because of the baggage of a mother figure encouraging me to lose weight. Its weird when you think you have something dealt with and then it smacks you in the face once again...

This morning I was down 7 lbs...but for now, I'm not sharing this info with either moms...